I don’t think I have any grand theory about masculinity, but I do know a lot about men. I know about the commonly-held ideas, expectations, and beliefs about what it means to “be a man” and how a “real man” should behave.
You see it all the time; perhaps you even consider it normal. The homophobia, the fighting in the streets, stag parties, groups of men on nights out being competitive, aggressive, protective, jealous, the inability to engage with emotion, the need to constantly one-up each other in the pursuit of being the ultimate lad of the group, the persistence in visiting strip clubs and, if you don’t, you must be gay. I wish all those characteristics rolled together in a cartoonish depiction was a little exaggerated, but sadly the traits still exist widely in society today. So, do we really need the term “toxic masculinity”? Or is it simply that all masculinity is toxic?
However it’s framed – masculinity, misogyny, gaslighting, emotional abuse – it smacks us now more than ever, with the world more connected than at any time in human history. With the rise of social media and reality TV, we are constantly bombarded with this insidious, destructive idea that women are valued based on their looks and how easily they subvert to men. Reality TV programmes seem to value particularly highly male traits of jealousy and protectivity, that it’s permeating the fabric of society just as a flood starts with a leak in a dam.
Hostile sexism and misogyny – the kind that involves calling women degrading names, rape and rape threats – is the kind that’s most often linked to toxic masculinity, for obvious reasons. It’s right there in your face. But it’s not the only kind of masculinity that relies on the dehumanisation of women. It’s also those subtle cues that imply disrespect towards a woman’s worldview, that they must be punished for daring to be thought of as something other than an object for sexual gratification.
I think most misogynistic behaviour is about a hostility towards women who violate patriarchal norms and expectations, who aren’t serving male interests in the ways they’re expected to. Historically, the male society expects women to be passive. There’s this sense that if women are successful, or ambitious, or talented, they must be doing something wrong or that they’re morally questionable. And some men still feel the need to belittle them, to reduce them to nothing more than a name on a list, or a score out of ten.
This subtler misogyny partners up with the overt hostility in an attempt to keep women subservient to men’s needs. Another common argument says that “real men” protect “good women”, presumably because these people think women are incapable of looking after themselves. It’s a kinder, gentler way to force three-dimensional women into two-dimensional boxes and strip them of their humanity. It’s just as toxic, and no less infuriating.
We can combat this, but we must be aware of the unconscious biases and cultural norms that sustain all of it. It’s obvious that women are not inferior to men in any pursuit. Women are leaders. Women are intelligent. Women are athletes. Women are politicians. Women are writers. Women are funny. Embrace it. It is wonderful. It takes an enormous amount of wilful denialism not to see that women are free-minded and creative individuals just as much, and more so, than men are. Does this thought hurt you?
So, why is it that we find ourselves revisiting the same arguments over and over again? Fundamentally, men are silent on these issues because other men keep them silent. They do not want other men to challenge their sexism. It’s all too common to either challenge a man’s motives for speaking out against sexism or, somewhat absurdly, question their sexuality entirely. I’m sure there will be some who would read this and think I must be soft or weak for writing such a thing. Either way, the assumption is that somehow, if you speak out against sexism and misogyny, you are not a particularly strong person. I’d put it to you that towing the line is easy. It doesn’t take any effort. You simply go along with it. John Steinbeck put this succinctly in Of Mice and Men: “You’re all scared of each other, that’s what. Ever’one of you’s scared the rest is goin’ to get something on you”. Speaking out takes effort, it takes thought. And that is what we need more of if anything is going to change.
It takes us, you, me, everyone, to act to bring about change. There are no “good guys” and “bad guys”, we are all accountable in this.
Men, it is not that hard to speak up. Do it and do it often. If you’re worried about being invited back into a space where this masculinity, misogyny and sexism are prevalent, you need to think long and hard about what kind of person you are. What matters most to you? You can’t say that you stand up for women in one breath, and then laugh alongside misogynistic rhetoric in the next.
But here’s the real question for the men who claim to be doing something already: do you still hold the same views, even when there are no women in the room? Is it for show, or do you truly believe what you’re saying? Even when you face an ocean of opinion against yours, do you hold fast? Think about that for a second. Hold yourself to account. It’s not about agreeing. It’s about driving it home, especially when it makes you uncomfortable.
Any context in which men have the power to press other men to behave in certain ways and to get away with harming other people is inherently dangerous. Adolescent boys and young men who are trying to establish successful adult identities – the identities that will shape the following generation – are constantly facing cues about how to behave, how to connect with themselves and how to treat others. In today’s society, those cues are becoming exponentially more dangerous.
Why should we care? Because this idea that being masculine is necessary is holding us all back and hurts the interests of everyone, everything, everywhere. We cannot become what we wish to be, by remaining what we are.
sinksinkswim 